I realize I haven’t shared anything here in months. I have no formal process with my writing these days. Mostly, I just type freeform into Apple Notes on my phone. I am writing this particular sentence in an email draft in between meetings. I type on demand, when I’m feeling something strongly, or want to capture a particular moment or thought. Sometimes they come in waves, with lots of different topics pinging around in my mind in a given day.
Sometimes I go days without a single contemplative thought beyond: "what in the world do I feed my child tonight?”
Most of my notes don’t make much sense at first, but they still mean something to me. Many of these thoughts are captured late at night, and the sentence structure and word choice are as sleepy as this mama. But still... I write.
I have been writing a TON during this time. Even when I am outwardly quiet, I keep writing. I must write. I need to write. It’s the editing and sharing that doesn’t get prioritized. But the content exists, and as I start to quiet my mind and my schedule in preparation of a new addition joining us (<5 weeks!) I find myself settled enough in my home and my head to start sharing again.
In my professional life, I have been navigating a series of “sprints” coordinated with my business partners. A two-week design sprint. A development sprint. An implementation sprint. These sprints are quick, intense, and require complete focus. Like a physical sprint, the point is: short duration, intense effort, the light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel quickly approaching, so being ready is the only option.
I can handle these professional sprints. I like the feeling of having a single priority to focus on. I like the feeling of the team around me, all working toward a common vision. I LOVE knowing that a tight deadline approaches, and that our cumulative effort will achieve a positive outcome in a relatively short period of time.
Entrepreneurship is full of sprints, and I don’t shy away from them.
I have noticed lately, however, that I may be borrowing this structure and philosophy from my “work life” and applying it unintentionally to my personal life. Last year at this time, Matt and I were navigating a period of intense change in our family dynamic. Our daughter started full-time daycare, I stopped breastfeeding, and I started traveling again regularly for work (pre-pandemic), all within a two week time period.
This year feels… very much the same. Right now I am in the third trimester of pregnancy. We recently moved states. Our daughter started a new school. We are renovating our new house. We are still managing our COVID strategy very cautiously. I am launching a new platform at work and raising more capital.
Am I unknowingly organizing my personal life into “sprints?”
Is this healthy? I know it’s hard on my husband. Especially in my current physical state, I am asking so much of him. He is pulling late nights trying to balance his career, fatherhood, his genealogy work, and the ever-growing list of demands from his pregnant wife. He rarely complains, but I can see that he is tired.
I worry about how this will effect my daughter. I have been successful at getting us into a routine that allows me to carve out time for us on the weekdays. In the morning, we have time together getting ready for school, preparing and eating breakfast, packing her bag, and getting out the door. Every evening, we eat dinner as family, and then we have dedicated “Millie time” until she goes to bed. It isn’t always easy for this recovering workaholic to put down the phone and put away the laptop for even these few hours a day – but I have been clear about my boundaries and my priorities, and I’m proud of this one.
The weekends are a different story. I am constantly in project mode – figuring out how to incorporate our daughter when possible into whatever renovation project is at the top of my list at the moment (safely, of course). And… I am failing miserably. Laundry folding takes an hour instead of fifteen minutes. Organizing books on a bookshelf… just forget it. Nothing is getting done. Everything takes forever. My patience wears thin. Tantrums ensue. So instead, we divide and conquer. Matt takes Millie to the playground while I organize and clean. I do an arts and crafts project with her while he moves furniture.
Inevitably, we end up spending whatever time Millie is asleep and we are awake working on the unfinished projects of the day. It’s not always great for our marriage. And it’s definitely not great for me physically at this point in my pregnancy. I have had many days that ended in a collapsed pile of dehydration and Braxton-Hicks contractions because I pushed too hard. I remember longingly my pregnancy with Millie – weekend afternoons spent feet up on the couch, eating pizza and binge-watching Netflix. Being pregnant with a toddler, a house renovation underway, and a business to run is an exhausting gauntlet that never ends.
A series of “sprints” without a rest in-between. Some days it feels like I’m trying to sprint a marathon… and it’s way too much.
I feel particularly terrified in the moments when I realize anew that the “light-at-the-end” of THIS tunnel is a newborn. I am not naïve this time around. I know that the addition of our son to this mix will take our sprinting train to a screeching halt – ready or not. Everything else slows down or stops completely when a newborn enters your life. But I also know that this forced stopping does NOT equate to rest. It equates to the most intense exhaustion I’ve ever experienced, and I’m realizing that if I enter this next chapter exhausted, I won’t be able to enjoy those precious newborn days at all.
We are happy, we are healthy, we are together. But I am not my best self for my family right now, and I am not setting us up for a successful next chapter with our new addition by continuing forward at this rate.
So something has to give – but what? Where do I compromise? How do I stop sprinting when there is so much that needs to be done? Some people say to outsource, but in the pandemic, this mostly feels too risky. Others suggest taking time off of work before baby arrives... but that is REALLY not an option this time around.
So I keep sprinting, with no finish line in sight.
At least I am now making time again for writing and reflection. This helps me feel more balanced despite the pace of life. I will be sharing more regularly again in the coming weeks and months. Many of these writings will be from the past year - ones that I did not take the time to make "share-worthy" when they first occurred to me in the midst of our pandemic chaos. I'll let you know when that is the case.
And that way, not only will I continue sprinting ahead, I will also be traveling back in time :)
-CJK
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