One month, Three births.

It's March 1, which means this month, we get to meet our little boy. This month, I will also be launching a new telehealth app for my company. And a new brand new platform. All while looking this glam ^^^ :)

Even though it's my second pregnancy and child, I still read The Bump every morning. It has become my tiny rebellious way to reclaim this pregnancy for myself and my baby, during this time in my life when so much is required of me from everyone else. Even if Millie is awake in her room, I read the 3-4 articles relevant to my particular stage in this pregnancy journey. I rub my belly, I talk to my son for a few minutes. Just the two of us before the day takes off like a rocket. I am not reading the baby books or taking the childbirth classes, so it feels like the least I can do... but it also sometimes feels like a lot.

That ten minutes in the morning feels like a luxury I cannot afford.

Today marks 37 weeks for me with baby, and The Bump tells me that I probably feel like staying in bed all day. The Bump is right. The Bump also tells me that I should listen to this impulse - my body is telling me what it needs.

The Bump is delusional.

I can't stay in bed. I have a company to run, a household to manage, a family to keep clean and fed and warm and clothed and on schedule. But every sore muscle and loosening joint in my body is begging me to relax. To rest. To lean into these final weeks by making myself comfortable.

But my body doesn't fully comprehend that while it locks down to focus on these final few weeks of physical preparation, two other births are imminent in my life as well. My impending "business births" are just as hard fought, just as labor intensive, and require just as much focus in these final weeks as the actual human baby that we will be welcoming. I have been working toward this moment professionally for over a year, so the gestation period is longer than that of my son who is currently wriggling around in my uterus, preparing to make his appearance.

Poor timing? Maybe in the personal sense.

But business-wise, we are right on time. These things have a way of coming together at the last possible moment, and I have had to put so much faith into my amazingly supportive team (and in the universe) that the next few weeks will be executed according to our meticulous plans. We are controlling everything we can control, with the understanding that there is one BIG thing that is completely out of our realm of influence.

I've said many times in the past weeks that because Baby CANNOT come early, it is all the more likely that he will. We are as prepared for that scenario as we can be. In these final weeks and days kicking off one of the most thrilling and demanding periods of my life, I find myself reflecting on these different "births."

Which of these has kept me up for more cumulative hours in the night?

Is it the heartburn and the constant running to the bathroom to pee (seriously: every hour)? Or is it the churning of my mind about how to roll out the platform responsibly: have I accounted for every potential HIPAA complication? Have I thought through every meticulous little step of the patient and provider journeys? Am I still solving the problem that is at the core of our mission?

The truth is this: of course the healthy delivery of my son into this world is my top priority. And it is also true that I am more committed than ever to the foundational belief that women do not have to be one or the other: a mom or a CEO. Focused on baby or focused on work. Pregnant or fully capable of building something meaningful outside of the home.

Are there tradeoffs? Of course. That's true of everything in life. But from my experience, it's not as black and white as "leaning in" or "leaning out." It is finding the personal and professional rhythms that allow each of us to incorporate the various aspects of our lives and careers into each other as well as possible. Sometimes that means after a full days' work, I am working again from eight until midnight so that I can fully focus on my daughter in the late afternoon and evening hours. All I'm sacrificing here is a Netflix binge - not a huge cost (but don't ask me what I'm watching currently... because, I'm not).

Lately, my body hasn't allowed this late night routine, and I'm usually asleep by ten PM. I still have some guilt and panicked moments around this rooted in my past-brainwashing that "you are only as good as the hours/effort you put in," but I have come to realize that this routine is equally acceptable. Right now, I need this extra sleep to be healthy and well, and to be able to be as effective as possible at work and with my family.

I have come to understand that honoring this need does not make me any less productive, and it certainly does not make me any less worthy.

One thing is for certain: I have never worked harder professionally or personally. The pandemic has allowed me the opportunity to be laser focused on two things: my family and my business. Both are growing. Flourishing. And while I've been afforded the comfort of wearing yoga pants almost exclusively during this pregnancy, I have never been more proud of what I am creating.

Although I am tired, tired, tired, I wake up every day excited to jump in, both personally and professionally.

After trudging through years of what felt like just trying to get through my obligations, this is a HUGE realization for me. We CAN love what we do. We CAN be fulfilled both at home and at work. We DO NOT have to choose one or the other - because it's not a zero-sum equation. A fulfilling personal life promotes a fulfilling professional life and vice versa. I am so happy to be in a position where I am able to nurture both.

Sometimes at this stage in pregnancy, I find myself having a little mental fog. That does not make me a less effective business leader.

I was much foggier on many mornings in my twenties when I showed up to meetings with a hangover after a night out with colleagues and managers. But THAT was perceived as a "badge of honor" rather than a professional hinderance; something playful to be celebrated rather than a reason for questioning my capability or commitment. I am so glad that I am no longer willing or expected to constantly sacrifice my health for my career (in various ways), and also that I can now see so clearly how problematic these hypocrisies disguised as "corporate culture" can be.

So now, I'm working from bed this morning after a tearful exchange with my husband over that recommendation from The Bump (thanks, hormones). I am "resting" physically, while maintaining my unrelenting pace toward these professional finish lines. My mental clarity is full force this Monday morning, despite the fog billowing in off of the bay.

I've never been able to hear a foghorn from my bedroom before. I am so grateful, and so ready for the month ahead. Bring it on, March!

-CJK